1917 Soundtrack Hits The Live Stage

April 19, 2014April 19, 2014 · Leave a comment ·

On Thursday night at The Coliseum in downtown St. Louis, a couple miles from Scottrade Center where playoff hockey was getting fired up, a local band 1917 Soundtrack was starting their live stage experience. The Coliseum is a showcase for a number of artists, featuring painters, models and musicians. In a special event hosted by RAW, an enterprise designed to give indie bands and artists a shot at stardom, 1917 Soundtrack didn’t waste their opportunity. Mario Mathon, Jordan Mays and Amonte Henry hit the stage with precision and verve and had the crowd engaged for their full 30 minute set. This is the land of the free and home of the independent artists who strive every day to make their next day the moment they take off. All three men work regular everyday jobs and get their feet dirty. That’s the game. Work your way by day and reach towards the future by night. They came to the stage dressed as hardcore blues brother gangsters Thursday, with stylish button up collared shirts and vests to go with shiny slacks. In order to impress, you have to look the part as well. While their sound is still coming together and there were some technical difficulties regarding the vocals, Mathon and company didn’t waste a second Thursday night.
Mathon is the true character of the group, a man who uses every inch of the stage to let his body express the words that are flowing from his mouth. He will talk to the audience in between songs, promoting the bands social media pages while he catches his breath before the next song. Henry is the beast behind the drums, setting up the pace and raising the roof. Off the stage, he is the rock of the group. He holds the three body tripod of musical synergy together. Mays is the silver lining, playing the guitar like the room and life of the song depended on it. He is a man of few words, a gunslinger with an electric lady in his hands. With additional help from local musicians, 1917 Soundtrack were playing the first of hopefully many live shows at The Coliseum with many family and friends in tow. The longer they were on stage, the harder it was for faces to keep their eyes off the stage. That’s a true band for you trying to make it big. They draw you in slowly with the performance and lock you in before they exit the stage. With a million different things happening in the room and with competing artists awaiting their chance right off the stage, 1917 Soundtrack played like they didn’t want to leave.

Tonight, they take the stage as the headliner artist at Cicero’s. 1917 Soundtrack will be touring extensively this summer and hope
to hit Las Vegas before they stop. Everything with a local band like this carries the audacity and allure of a dreamer. Mathon, Henry and Mays are making their play to be full time musicians. I can relate to that because I work a 40 hour gig every week while pushing my writing. Without dreams in this life, you may as well lock yourself in a room and throw away the key. You can find love in this life but you need to have something to chase. 1917 Soundtracks chases the dream every time they step on stage, whether it’s The Coliseum, Cicero’s or the Las Vegas strip.

This is the time you want to get in on the act. Follow this band now. Don’t wait until they explode. There isn’t a more special feeling than finding good music. Get out to Cicero’s tonight at 7 p.m. and see what I am talking about.

IMAGE CREDIT-Pro

The Avenging Filipino

April 15, 2014February 10, 2021 · Leave a comment ·

On Saturday night in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand, Manny Pacquiao got a little redemption. While a heavy majority of the boxing united will tell you what they saw wasn’t surprising, vindication came in the form of a majority decision for the W.B.O. champ. Pacquiao didn’t destroy Timothy Bradley in their rematch, but he did more than enough to convince three judges this time that there was a clear victor inside the ring.

So many people get down on Pacquiao because of the past three years and the events that took place. After looking unbeatable for six years, he has run into a bit of turbulence. First, he won a messy undeserved third bout against Juan Manuel Marquez. He then took on Bradley and lost a controversial decision. A fourth fight with Marquez brought one of the most brutal six round fights that ended with the right counter hook heard around the world as Pacquiao’s career and consciousness temporarily left his side. An easy win over Brandon Rios in November set up the Bradley rematch.

For the first six rounds, a different Pacquiao was in the ring. A fighter who was taking his time and not chasing his opponent around the ring, Manny was biding his time. Bradley landed the cleaner shots and seemed to be riding to a decision win before Pacquiao ended the sixth round with a flurry of punches. In the seventh round, Pac Man took over. He hit Bradley with a flurry of punches in the middle of the round that left Bradley dazed and confused. After surviving the round, Desert Storm Bradley came out and ate more wicked combinations. Vintage Pacquiao was settling into the fight as the tenth round came into play. Any time Bradley cared to stick his head into the cookie jar, Pacquiao snapped his head back.

While he has lost power over the past couple of years(the reasons can be divided up between PEDs usage or plain old 36 years of boxing), Pacquiao can still box, use his hand speed and take a punch. He has an underrated chin and is relentless in a boxing ring. He is going down swinging if all else fails. Bradley simply couldn’t match that. A very good boxer in his own right, Bradley couldn’t figure out a good strategy against a guy who could punch, take a shot and move around and be crafty enough late in the fight. The fight wasn’t as easy to call as the first go around, but I easily scored the fight 7-5 for PAC and could see a 8-4 score as well due to a few toss up rounds.

The career of Pacquiao will continue as he awaits the winner of a May 17^th match between Marquez and Mike Alvarado. He can also consider a fight with fellow sparring partner Ruslan Provodnikov. The one thing that won’t happen is a fight with Floyd Mayweather Jr. and for some fight fans that is hard to swallow. 4 years after the idea seemed golden, these two men aren’t going to step into a ring. Floyd can talk all he wants and Manny can say his phone line is open, but the circumstances force these two worldwide personalities apart. Floyd and Golden Boy hate dealing with Bob Arum and Top Rank, and since Floyd left HBO for Showtime, the chances for a fight climbed into the ground six feet deep.

The most important thing is a fighter found redemption inside the ring. Pacquiao got tuned up for the bout with Rios and that long journey culminated in a decisive victory Saturday night. His future is rumored to include 2 more years of boxing with an eye on the Senate seat in the Philippines. Pac will rest up, welcome his fifth child into the world this summer and consider his options. The one thing he proved this past weekend is that not only does he still have the skills to compete with the elite in boxing but he has the hunger to keep fighting. Pacquiao is far from done in the world of boxing. Saturday night, he proved he’s still got “it”.

Captain America: Winter Soldier/Divergent Movie Reviews

April 12, 2014April 12, 2014 · Leave a comment ·

It’s time for a Dose of Buffa at the movies my friends. Quick, to the point and a perspective that demands attention. The pharmacy is open. Here are my latest reviews.

CAPTAIN AMERICA 2: THE WINTER SOLDIER

Setup-The sequel to The First Avenger and post Avengers new Marvel film finds our titular hero, Steve Rogers, having finally adjusted to the modern world. He is working with SHIELD yet knows where the line between right and wrong is. That stance is tested by Robert Redford’s new executive at the Headquarters, who wants to send Captain after criminals before they commit a crime. That means crossing a line with the world’s privacy. Along with Black Widow, Captain has to find a way to do the right thing without stepping over people’s freedom. When he is faced with a new enemy who carries a familiar face from his past, Rogers/Captain must battle every single inner demon he has in order to save the world.

My Take-This is a very well done film with a full backstory and plot set up to put one of Marvel’s best heroes in the mix for a great adventure. Chris Evans continue to command the screen as Rogers/Captain America and the supporting cast does a fine job as well. One of the best performances comes from Robert Redford’s tricky new suit who wants to twist the idea of good and bad with a strategy that is very similar to the one the real life government is thinking about putting on us. By installing a real world plot device in a super hero film, directing duo Anthony and Joe Russo heighten the action and provide more than just an experience.

Do you want to see this movie if you hate comic book movies? Yes and no. There are comic book elements brought to the big screen here as well as a plot you could see in any other action thriller. I think this sequel improves on the first film because of the relationship Evans and Sebastian Stan(playing the villainous Winter Soldier) create on screen as two men standing on separate sides of the law yet sharing a link from the past. Their connection isn’t a mere setup but more fully fleshed out here and by the end of the film resonates with any person who ever lost a friend to the dark side.

The supporting cast is solid. Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous and convincing as the Black Widow, kicking ass while conveying a mysterious loneliness with her character. The most sublime part of the Marvel films is showing us how alone and sad these heroes are. They fight because of their unique skills and hunger to do right, but deep down they are very isolated from the rest of the world. Frank Grillo creates his usual maniac presence, playing a good man twisted by circumstance who will play a larger role in the next sequel. As noted earlier, Redford is money and Samuel L. Jackson turns in assured work once again as Nick Fury.

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Pacquiao-Bradley II Preview

April 12, 2014February 10, 2021 · Leave a comment ·

Two years ago, Manny Pacquiao climbed into the ring against Timothy Bradley and was ready to hand the undefeated fighter his first loss. Over the course of 12 rounds, Pacquiao did more than enough to deliver on that bet. Any time a fighter takes on another over money in front of a big crowd, he is making a bet that he can beat that guy and prevail. In order to understand the stakes at hand this weekend in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand for the rematch, you have to understand the beginning. Let’s roll back.

On that hot June night, Pacquiao seemed to be dominating Bradley. Whatever Pacquiao had lost in power he made up for with speed and a constant narrow angle attack that few fighters can escape. Bradley suffered a pair of foot injuries and went into survival mode midway through the fight. He connected with his own punches but neither of them caused Manny to stop the attack or get truly fazed. He laughed them off. Bradley, slipping and off balance from the beginning, simply didn’t do enough to win the fight. He lost. It was clear, logical and coherent. My two year old son could have told you Pacquiao won. After 12 rounds, all Pacquiao could do was look at himself and ask if he did enough.

One of the Filipino’s shortcomings has nothing to do with boxing skill and everything to do with compassion. Manny is a dedicated congressman and supports his home town country of the Philippines with constant charity and acts of care. Sometimes, that care and compassion sneaks into the ring and infects his fights. Far too often since Pac found god and Congress a few years ago he has encountered trouble in finishing opponents. He doesn’t pound fighters until they drop. He’s a predator for 7-8 rounds and then recedes because he doesn’t want to hurt the other man. That is fine if this were golf or bowling. This is boxing, Pac. Attack, attack and attack again until the other guy hits the canvas. If you don’t attack like that, the judgement is left to people who have never fought and they could betray the shit out of you.

What happened two years ago? Pacquiao lost a unanimous decision to Bradley and lost his belt. He lost a lot more respect when he walked into a majestic Juan Manuel Marquez right hand but the decision handed down by two judges threw Pacquiao’s career into a tailspin. He deserved the win that night but held back late in the fight and therefore left open the opportunity that he could be robbed. A man once said, let your fists be the judges. On April 12^th, Manny needs to follow this mantra to the tee and back.

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What Happened To The St. Louis Blues?

April 10, 2014April 13, 2017 · Leave a comment ·

It’s official. The St. Louis Blues are in serious trouble. It was only 36 hours ago that I wrote a post on Arch City Sports about the team simply needing to find an energy and get back to their winning ways before the playoffs started next week. I went to a movie and came out to find that the Blues had lost 4-1 in lackluster style to the Washington Capitals(minus Halak in net). Alexander Ovechkin came in and draped the net in red Russian fury, scoring once to start things off and assisting on another goal. The Blues were beaten again at Scottrade Center and have scored only four goals in their last 4 games there. Also, the Ducks hopped over the Blues tonight with 112 points to take over ownership of the Western Conference with 3 games to go.

What is going on with this team? Let me run down a quick list of potential issues and ideal remedies.

*GET A SHOT ON GOAL. Let’s not speak lightly here. The Blues defensemen and forwards are horrible at putting pucks on net. If it isn’t Alex Pietrangelo air mailing a slap shot from the point into the upper left boards or Alexander Steen unleashing a wildly inaccurate slap shot, the team simply isn’t hitting the targets. They are ranked 24th in the NHL when it comes to getting shots on net. We want to. We try. We simply can’t. Change that.

*It’s been a while since this team scored a lot of goals over a decent multi-game stretch. Sure, they have won a decent amount and risen to the top of the division via fine defense and goaltending, but the Blues aren’t scoring furiously anymore. As nice as it is to see T.J. Oshie make a fool out of a goalie in shootouts, it would be swell to see this team take charge this last week and put a few pucks in the net.

*When you have trouble beating teams like Buffalo, how do you expect to fare against Colorado and Chicago? The Blues peaked in the early part of the year, went to Sochi, came back half asleep, woke up briefly and have now fallen off a cliff into pure despicable solitude. If you know a way out, comment below. I’d love to hear it.

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Remembering Troy

April 5, 2014April 5, 2014 · 5 Comments ·

When the Cardinals home opener rolls around, one thing instantly comes to my mind. My good friend Troy Siade. Troy and I met while working the Manual Scoreboard around 2002 and instantly hit it off. If hitting it off meant giving each other as much shit and trouble as we could. Two peas in a pod on a versatile group of scoreboard degenerates getting paid to watch baseball games, Troy and I were alike in many ways. We were loud, blunt, dirty and diehard Cardinal fans. When we weren’t scaring scoreboard visitors with our vicious ice cube battles or firing insults in each other’s direction, we were hanging shoulder to shoulder watching the game talking about the action. Troy was a joker on the surface, but deep down he was one of the best guys I have ever come to know on this earth. He was caring, devoted and modest behind all the loud talking exterior. The reason I think about Troy so much on opening day here in St. Louis is because 10 years ago, on April 23rd, Troy passed away at the age of 38 to Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. The last time I saw him was on opening day earlier that month.

Troy was a good looking guy. Full head of dark hair, huge smile, big laugh and a walk that even the proudest gangster would fail to imitate. When Troy lived, he was on top of the world. We were living inside his movie set. He called the shots, told the jokes and made us laugh all night long. When the Cards blew a game late, he would shout and pace the scoreboard like a mad professor looking for the new theory of relativity. I remember a car drive with him that involved a massive thunderstorm and Troy slamming on the steering wheel extremely hard because he wanted to get back to his house so he could show off his home to another scoreboard friend and myself. Troy was an entertainer at all times. Part of the reason I miss him to this day has everything to do with need and less to do with baseball. Troy had an energy. A will to pull a smile out of a dark corner or take the mood of a room and toss it through the ceiling. When you work 70-75 games of a 82 game home schedule, there can be some dull nights. If Troy was there, the forecast called for a good time no matter what the score turned out to be.

Being the outgoing personality that he was, Troy was able to keep certain things private. Many of the scoreboard guys didn’t even know he had an illness or disease until a year before he passed. He didn’t want us to know. The comedian doesn’t let the curtain fall to show it all. Troy only let us know when he was getting very seriously ill. Cancer can be a deadly quick moving disease. It can come in and smash everything within months. Troy was here, alive and well, towards the winter and end of a rather forgettable 2003 season that saw no playoffs and a horrible September series in Wrigley that had Troy and I ranting for an entire homestand. Troy was okay then. By the beginning of the 2004 season, he was nearly gone.

There are two moments I will never forget with Troy. Okay, three. I will warn you they start happy and end sadder than shit.

The first was that stormy night back in the summer of 2003 he invited me and a friend back to his home to play pool, sit in his Busch Stadium terrace reserved seats he had installed in his basement and listened to rock n’ roll while drinking like fishes. The Cards beat the Orioles 8-5 with an Albert Pujols three run bomb. We crashed at Troy’s and went to the ballpark the next day. It was perfectly Vegas behavior. It was a night I will never forget.

The second was a random day where Troy showed up at my apartment and asked my wife and I to dinner spur of the moment. He had just left work, suit and tie on, and wanted to take us out. He cared like that. He hung out with people he liked and loved. My wife got a kick out of him and we really wanted to go. In a decision I will regret to the day I die, I turned Troy down. We had plans with my parents to go to dinner. Plans I should have broke. Plans I should have shredded. I will never forget the look in his face when I said we couldn’t. Whether they admit it or not, a light does flicker out in someone’s eyes when they are let down. He reached out and I said no. I hate that move to this day. My first back in time fix job.

The third was seeing him for the last time. It was opening day, 2004, about three weeks before he passed. He didn’t want ANYONE coming to see him. Especially the ones he knew and liked. He didn’t want us to see him in a weakened state. I didn’t follow those orders. I went down to the field box level and saw him. His flock of hair was gone. His smile was flexing yet fading. He was slowly leaving. I shook his hand and gave him a brief hug. I don’t remember how I departed or if I shed a tear. Maybe I don’t want to remember all of it. It was tough.

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Arnold/Ayer Shoot ‘Em Up Fails

March 30, 2014March 30, 2014 · Leave a comment ·

Welcome to the latest round of A Dose of Buffa At The Movies. Let me start things out with a new release in theaters, Sabotage.

Let me first say that I walked into this film with a certain level of expectations. David Ayer, the co-writer/director had just put out the amazing cop film End Of Watch and hit a personal career high mark. When he sought out Arnold Schwarzenegger for this role in this deadly DEA agent corruption saga, I got a good vibe. This wasn’t going to be your typical Arnold action film. There was a chance it could be something more. Good cast and a fine looking trailer came around and the expectations were built. I wanted something special. What I got was a letdown and a film that relied too heavily on gory action and not enough on its story. Here is a more detailed reason why Sabotage isn’t worth your hard earned money in the theater.

PLOT-Arnold leads a DEA task force of mercenary like killers into this seize of a drug cartel’s cash and when 10 million goes missing, the team tries to seek out the mole responsible and begin getting killed off one at a time.

REVIEW-Sabotage isn’t a total mess but it is definitely a disappointing film from Ayer, who is white hot right now off the success of his gritty brilliant cop film End of Watch. Whether he likes it or not, the bar was raised for any film involving him, especially one with him behind the director’s chair again. This isn’t a blue balls bonanza where you get really high on the film before a monstrous letdown but the wheels do slowly come off in the second half of the film after the beginning is strongly built on intensity.

When I thought it could be something more the film turned out to be a brainless action film. The action scenes are tactical and realistic. In your face bloody and well executed. They are a true highlight of the film in the beginning until they become an exercise in overkill as the wrap up begins and the reveal of the source of the betrayal is made.

The film falls apart in the end due to a series of twists that just don’t add up. That’s too bad because the action sequences are shot with a visceral abandon and amp up the tension. Ayer takes a page from Michael Mann’s book here and allows every bullet fired and explosive set off to feel like its happening right next to us. Its a shame the story couldn’t pack the same punch.

When you do find out who the mastermind behind the corruption is, it’s a head shake and not amazement. Something seems tacked on in the end and it kills the whole film. The story when viewed as a whole doesn’t sit well. Ayer and Skip Woods fumbled it. While they were impressive in their sales pitch, they seem to lose touch of it all as they tried to figure out a way to complete the plot. In the end, it was…wait for it…sabotage.

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Support Film-Addict: A Homegrown Website

March 29, 2014 · Leave a comment ·

Whenever I hand out a business card to someone or tell them I have a movie website, I get a number of looks. One response is complete bewilderment followed by a series of facial expressions that make it look like I am trying to show off. Another common response is, “That’s cool. What’s on the site?” Everybody else just hands over the fake care expression, where they take it, look interested and then start scanning the block for trash cans to chuck it into. I am sure my website has a huge following in the trash can colonies. The reason people want that blunt reaction to this card you have just handed them is simple. Where is the need? They want to know what you have, what it can do for them and how it is different from the other websites.

People, this is a world that is run on red bull, smart phones, and likes on Facebook. There is no time for old fashioned movie reviews, showtimes and commentary on film. I literally have to sell the site every time I hand someone a stylish piece of printed paper. This isn’t 1989 where a three button suit became awesome and having your name on a business card was as wild as carrying around a cellphone the size of a brick. This is 2014, and the world is constantly on the move.

I am here to tell you why you should not only help support Film-Addict but why you should care about it as well. The best way I can do that is by telling you a story.

In the early days of 2012, Eric Moore came to Chris McHugh and myself about starting a website. Eric and I had thought about it several times since we had become friends 8 years earlier. It was a dream. A grand idea. The three of us loved the movies and allowed our bodies and minds to be wrapped up inside their world. We didn’t just see a movie, leave, and burp out the expression, “that was alright”. We wanted to know the budget of the film, the director’s last 5 films and why the hell the movie stars did the damn thing. We wanted everything and needed to download it. We were true film-addicts. The most lovely question I can get these days is, “Why do you want so many movies?” I am a film-addict and here is why. Boom!! The conversation has begun. We wanted to put our love for film out there to the masses. Connecting with fellow addicts along the way.

We picked up a few addicts the past 2 years. Leigh Ann Jones, Landon Burris and Alana Hammonds all write reviews and individual articles for our site. Like us, they get paid nothing. Like us, they work full time and do this for the love of the game. Jones watched a 100 films in 100 days. Alana watched Blackfish on Netflix and decided to write a review because that’s what serious movie lovers do. We see something that moves us and the only way to move on is to write about it. Landon has reviewed all kinds of films for the site. A dialogue less visual pleasure to a Japanese animation film to a film about sex maniacs. We bleed for the site because we believe people need this information.

Next weekend, Wizard World comes to St. Louis. It’s the Comic Con of the Midwest. While it’s not as crazy popular as the one held in San Diego every year, they do our city proud and host a great show. The horror buffs dress up like Chucky, Jason, Michael and Freddy. The comic book faithful come out in full gear. Over 100,000 people show up downtown looking for a taste of the action. Last year, The true HULK Lou Ferrigno showed up. This year, Nathan Fillion, Firefly alum and Castle star, will be in attendance along with other stars. The reason I am telling you this is Film-Addict has a booth/table at the event. We will be handing out posters, shirts and other cool memorabilia to the people who stop by and fire up conversation. On one of the days, we will direct our attention to The Amazing Spider Man 2 that comes out this summer.

Since we are a proud mom and pop shop variety website, we need help raising money to put on the best possible show at this event. We are looking for donations from anyone looking to put their money into something meaningful. Something with a pulse. We throw away money every day. Coffee in a cup, gas in our cars, a bag of chips or a bad Subway sandwich. I don’t ask you to donate any more than you think our website deserves. If it’s a couple dollars, it helps.

While we do offer actor and cinema spotlights, I’d like to think Film-Addict offers you honesty. A blunt take on film delivered by a group of people who provide you with something authentic and fun. We didn’t have to start a website. We are probably 10-12 years late and while we are joined at the hip by a hundred thousand other sites dedicated to film, we like to think we do something special with ours.

If you wish to know more about this particular mission and enterprise, head over to our page at Go Fund Me. Eric has all you need to know about why you are donating and how you can do it. You can see others who have donated and get an idea of what we are going after. See for yourself before you hand over your own dollars.

http://www.gofundme.com/7b2o7c

Thanks for giving us the time of day. In this modern world of 24/7 rush hour, that is something no one should take for granted.

10 Things I Am Doing When I Get To NYC

March 27, 2014April 12, 2017 · Leave a comment ·

People ask me where I want to go when I have the time and money, and every time it’s an easy answer. New York City. The land of maniac life and beautiful soul. Where so many things have happened and will happen again. A place of heroic energy and everlasting grace. I don’t need to step outside my country(you are next Italy) to have a good vacation or basically escape. I want to go to New York and that’s as clean cut as it gets. I can’t answer many questions faster than I can this one. What kind of things will I do when I get there? A shit load of tasks and activities. Here are the 10 things I am doing right off the plane.

1. Visit the 9/11 Memorial and Freedom Tower. Newly named one of the tallest buildings in the world, the tower is a given but I want to go walk along the fountains. I want to stop and look at as many names as I can on the engraved markings around the fountains. I want to think about what that person would be doing if they were alive today.As you can tell from reading my 12 years later post on that horrible day, it rocked the shit out of me and I was thousands of miles away in the Midwest at college when it happened. The event was so catastrophic and powerful at the same time that it stretched across the world to effect many people. I still can’t shake it to this day. I don’t have to go into detail about it to tell you why. When I am walking around those fountains and see people there, I want to talk to them about that day. If it doesn’t tear open wounds, I would love to hear about the individual strength people showed and how it changed their life. In this world, you learn by asking and listening. I want to soak up the experiences of that day and what followed afterwards. I want to take my kid there and tell him what happened, who got back up off the ground and became a more united front ever since that horrible Tuesday 12 years ago. One of the most important things a parent has to do is teach his kid about the history of where they walk. Tell them what happened and why. Preach to them a little about remembering these kind of things. It’s makes the next generation that much stronger.

2. Times Square. I want to walk towards the middle of it and just let it suck me in. Stand there. Arms stretched out and just exist. Bucket list check off.

3. Find and talk to 10 strangers on the street. Get them to tell me a story about the city and how tough it is and the true nature of the beast. Have them tell me fuck off. Give me directions to a great restaurant which will include a story about proposing to their wife. Sure, I will be turned away by a few people but I am sure I will learn a lot from a few others. This is what the world revolves around. Human interaction. Shared stories. I am as social and energetic as anyone around, so this is basically me investigating the idea that strangers carry the best stories. I may not understand a word they are saying at times but I am going to listen. I want stories and I want them now.

4. Get a slice. Quite simple. I want a slice of pizza and I don’t want a New York style slice. I want a slice of pizza from a New York joint. I want that skinny weak paper plate that can immediately turn into a taco as you fold the pizza up to eat it too. Grease in the goatee and a pizza so good that you taste it on your breath 4 hours later.

5. SEEK OUT STRONG BLACK COFFEE. This man will surely find a Starbucks. That isn’t a new thing. I could find the Starbucks in a small town with no sign, 10 planted bombs and no sense of smell. I want a cup of strong joe from a NYC mom and pop shop. I want some place to sit me down and pour me a cup of coffee where the spoon stands straight up. I want a man with a old vest, button up shirt and pocket watch with disheveled hair to serve me a cup that I won’t forget and sell me a pound to take back home that comes in a wrinkled brown paper bag.

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Stop Poking My Gums, Lady

March 25, 2014April 12, 2017 · Leave a comment ·

Going to the dentist sucks. There are few experiences that rank beside it as far as a lack of pleasure is concerned. Sure, it’s important but so is eating your vegetables. Putting your seatbelt on is important but it doesn’t involve your gums getting thoroughly abused.

I take care of my teeth and gums. I floss frequently and brush the teeth. So when the wife and I joined a lovely new dentist up the street from our house in November, things seems to be pointing towards the bright side. I walked in and warm smiles that didn’t show a hint of fakeness greeted me as well as a fine Keurig machine that had fresh coffee waiting at my command. I was nearly in love when I sat down to be examined by the sweet dental hygienist. She asked me questions about my life and actually seemed to be downloading my answers. She readied her weapons. Imagine if Dexter were a dentist and you have a clear picture. She told me open wide and I obliged. She poked around a tad and looked up a lot. You can never read these people. They could be expert poker players. They could be serious looking because they don’t want to jab a hole in your mouth or screw up your teeth. If they are too smiley, that could be due to a lack of conviction or they may be hiding something. I was patient. She called in the head dentist and he did nothing but smile. What the fuck? Stop this. Someone shoot me straight and turn off the laughing gas.

After they stepped away and did a quick chat, I got fantastic news. I had plague built up on my gums. Down between the teeth. They used a few words I couldn’t understand and I sort of zoned out for a minute. I came back and they weren’t smiling. They looked like concerned parents. WHAT? It turns out I needed deep gum cleaning. Four quadrants. Upper right and left followed by the lower right and left. Afterwards, if I survived and I had any wit about my soul, they would polish the teeth. The horror film had started production and I only got a teaser.

In my eyes, all the dentists before had disregarded this condition. That shithole out in Florissant. The place a few blocks away. They had screwed me over and told me I was good to go for a long time. Thanks a lot. They should be lucky I don’t know any arms dealers so I could buy a grenade launcher and send a fucking bomb through their window.

The fun would begin in February. Four sessions. An hour apiece. Every time a dentist or their assistants say it’s not that bad, that means its very bad. They are as trustworthy as lawyers in the ghetto. Believe the first word and the last. I prepared for an event that may as well been the end of my existence. I kissed my wife goodbye and gave my son a good hug. I got in my car and drove for approximately 3 minutes up the street. It was time.

I didn’t want their coffee. I wanted to get this finished. I almost wore Rambo style face paint. I sat down in their chair and got ready for D-Day.

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