Top 10 bad things in St. Louis that are now Matt Carpenter’s fault

During Sunday’s game between the Cardinals and Reds, a fan blamed Matt Carpenter, the idle bench bat during today’s contest (UPDATED: he drew a walk), for Tommy Edman’s rough at-bat. By the end of the day, he will probably take an at-bat, fly out to right, and will be blamed for the loss. If they won, he will have slowed them down.

Look, these things happen in St. Louis-but usually to men with much less experience. Mike Matheny fooled me and six others into thinking he would be a very good manager, even if the previous experience he carried involved coaching kids. That’s like walking onto a movie set and reading aloud my absent IMBD page, where I list my Kingshighway Boulevard stunt work in the 80’s.

When a Blues captain screws up, Eric Brewer gets tagged in the tweet. He’s flopped up on his recline, scanning Twitter and seeing his name getting bashed. Since Carpenter has lost the ability to hit well or do anything right (he’s unofficially 2-39 in 2021), fans are going to bash him for unrelated things, such as the list I am going to unveil. Remember, we’re having fun here, so don’t be an asshat and make it serious. Your feelings aren’t THAT important.

10) Every pothole in St. Louis

Break out the chalk and scribble a 13 on every single unfilled pothole in this city. You’ll spend three days on Kingshighway and another six on Grand. Eichelberger (which isn’t another to confirm where a burger belongs) will be worked on 24/7/365. Every time I see one now, it will be Carp rage.

“Who spilled the shitty salsa on the road?”

“Looks like Waino didn’t help you this time.”

“Look honey, the highway is putting on the shift as I approach the onramp.”

9) Bad carpool pickup lines

All your fault, Matthew. Every parent at Ivanhoe and Scanlan will shout one name and one name alone.

8) The Taco Bell menu wanderer at midnight

There I am, needing to crush some late night tacos, and this person is scanning a menu for minutes. World-shifting decisions are being considered elsewhere around town, and this person just asked what’s in a Mexican pizza. It’s tacos, burritos, quesadillas, and hybrids of the first three. It’s C-rate food to begin with, so let’s blame it on Carp.

7) The endless line at Panda Express off Hampton

Ladies and gentlemen, this food isn’t worth it. On a good day, they make an edible orange chicken and honey walnut shrimp. On a bad day, their fried rice tastes like play dough. But the line is stretched outside the parking lot onto the main road, and I just don’t get it. Same for the Dairy Queen at Eichelberger (not how you confirm it’s someone’s burger, Siri) and Hampton. Carpenter’s fault now.

6) People blaming pharmacists for their medication not being available 

There’s a lot to be said here that revolves around “don’t blame the messenger.” All this does is slow the entire line down, which leads to customers thinking about buying more food. All the while, the pharmacist is standing there trying to remain sane. Damn Carpenter!

5) Every bad carpenter job in the Lou


4) Actors who can’t grow a good beard

Right when you think hard contact puts a smile on the face, Carpenter just sucks all the good beard flow right out from under the city. It’s not Dustin Hermanson meticulous ridiculousness, nor is it David Ortiz slickness. Just a bushy man beard, like a guy who shreds charcoal on top of his steak instead of salt and pepper. Sorry, Tobey Maguire.

3) South city basement water leakage 

All #13 here.

2) People who can’t stay in their own lane, hang around the speed limit, or attempt a decent lane change

This now has a new home as well. If you can’t drive, don’t get behind the wheel. Simple.

1) Father Time taking over a once productive player’s career

This is the real culprit. Whether it’s bat speed or pure stubborn age, Carpenter’s real culprit is the relentlessly waiting moment when an athlete can no longer do what he once did efficiently and consistently. It just all goes away. I am not ready to close the book on Carpenter yet, but when you start getting widespread blame for things out of your control, things sure aren’t looking good in this city.

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