Cops are busy people. They need to worry about murderers, rapists, robbers, and general wastes of flesh, bones, and space. In St. Louis, and pretty much everywhere, their hands are full of real life shitheads.

They don’t have much time for bad drivers. I am not talking about speeders.  Those people are easily tracked down and ticketed. I don’t want to bother with them. They offend, but not as dumbly as other vile motorists. People who speed generally aren’t bad drivers; they just take advantage of the road and bend it to their will.

Bad drivers are dangerous fucking people.

Cops need help with genuine bad drivers. They need a special task force called “The Wickedly Awful Driver Overwatch Association.” I’m talking about four-way stop con artists, stop sign runners, California pump-brake bitches, and all-around road hazards. People who get behind the wheel and stink up the road with their incessant bullshit.

Example: Someone doesn’t know how to negotiate a lane change and nearly runs someone off the road. I pull them over. Walk up to their car in a nice-fitting polo shirt and jeans, and ask them to roll down the window. They will wonder why I pulled them over, because they were going 18 mph in a 20 and stopped at the previous stop sign for 60 extra seconds. I will tell them they didn’t change lanes properly. It doesn’t need to be an act of Congress or an aggressive adjustment. Slap that blinker on, take a look, don’t take a deep breath, and just get the fuck over.

They get one warning, and then they lose their license for 48 hours. A second stoppage extends that to 72 hours, and then a week. After that, we start slashing tires and hiding cars on the East Side next to the vacant lots and scary-looking people with no need for shirts or pants that cover their ass.

If there’s one thing that needs to fixed in this world and can be with an extra show of force, it’s bad driving. It’s not road rage, people. Bad drivers are polluting the area with a wildly insensitive ability to maneuver a car poorly. I don’t scream at them for no reason.

The four-way stop folks are bad. It’s like four civilians standing outside the OK Corral with their guns still holstered. No one knows what to do. They inch forward, look, inch, look, hesitate, cry, and inch forward some more. It’s terrible. Just fucking go. One direction goes, and then the other. It’s not rocket science; the vehicle you are driving is rocket science.

How about the useless DNA samples who speed up when someone is trying to make a turn off a main street? Yeah, those smelly bastards. You put the blinker on, and wait for an open spot. A car is going at a moderate speed, so you make your move. Suddenly, that same car SPEEDS UP for no reason other than to say, “this is my road and you can’t have it yet.” I mean, do they really want the two cars to collide? Nope. He’s just mad his wife doesn’t want sex anymore, or the fact that his breath is so bad, dogs won’t even lick his face. He will be pulled over by WADOA immediately.

People who drive down the middle of a skinny two-way street will be policed. These people buy the big truck or car, but can’t negotiate how much of the road is theirs. They actually get mad at you by wondering why they are bad. Instant 48 hour hold on their license. Buy a bike, run, or learn how to fucking fly. I don’t care. The roads are safer without your wide berth.

Don’t overthink this or shake your head at me while picking out a filter for your Instagram selfie that doesn’t make you look like an unpaid, sleepless zombie. Just accept that the world needs some correcting. A fix or two. A lot of fixing, actually.

I’m here to help. I can rove around in my own car, watching out for the guy who leaves a linebacker shoulder width-sized space off the curb when he parks. I have a guy who lives across the street from me who parks his truck so far off the curb, one may think he’s trying to be an asshole. He’s a nice enough guy, but he can’t park for his life. It’s simple. Pull up, check, twist the wheel, and get closer. Once again, this is not college geometry. Let’s work together to make the world a slightly less mad place.

We don’t need more cardio, more kale, and less coffee. We need better fucking drivers.

Don’t get me started about the highway driver who drifts around two lanes during a light rain shower. She’s trying to check her make-up, send out a tweet, and think about her outfit next Thursday instead of staying inside the painted lines. Before you call me a sexist (notice how every other example before this was a man), please know I spend a lot of time on the road as an Uber driver. I’ve been all over. You have not. Fuck off.

How about the worthless hack who doesn’t do what he’s supposed to do? The person who has the right of way, but looks at you like a deer in the headlights. He’s supposed to go, but wants you to go, but when you start to pull forward, HE PULLS FORWARD! FUBBBARRRR!!!

The cops are too busy to pull over every jackass who runs a stop light only to stop at the very next stop light. They need help. I have an idea. Just give me the funding and bodies needed to carry this endeavor out.

Of course, this won’t happen, but it made for a good rant. Thanks for reading. Sometimes, you just need to say all the things that are rolling around your brain. If not, it gets noisy up there, stuff gets hot, and innocent people get throat-punched.

Drive safely. Please.