I needed my fix. I needed a cup of Starbucks like a cleaning freak needs a roll of Clorox wipes. It’s part of my positive makeup. The little thing that matters most.
Look, the better parts of the human mind have no quarrel with this coronavirus; it simply wants what was coming for the last few years. One of the things I have said throughout my life is coffee is more important to me than beer or bourbon. I’m the guy at the bar after a movie making the waitress brew a fresh pot.
So it was on Sunday during my Door Dash shift that I saw the Rock Hill Starbucks was indeed open. I made that quick right off McKnight Road and headed up to the store, excited and thirsty for a special cup of coffee. Yes, I don’t go to Starbucks for their regular coffee, which is Pike Place most of the time. I want the good stuff, the drinks you’d struggle to make at home without special instruments.
I’m talking about a Flat White, which is a fancy name for “strong fucking latte.” Made with Ristretto shots of espresso, this one is a delightful kick in the ass. Then we have the Medicine Ball, a hot cup of tea that combines four different flavors and cures the common cold. How about an Americano? A simple yet stoic cup of joe built on espresso and VERY hot water. Give me some of that, please!
So, having said that, I pulled into the parking lot to see cars in line waiting for that special cup of coffee. A couple of cars were outside the Starbucks lot, and I thought timing was perfect for me to slip in and get some. But then I saw more cars in the surrounding parking lot, stretching across the strip mall type setting. Suddenly, a man appeared who was directing cars to a certain spot. I then saw the extremely long line of cars that stretched past the Wendy’s nearby and almost out of the lot.
I couldn’t believe it. Starbucks had turned into a post-Taylor Swift concert exit lot, with attendants and practices. All of this for a cup of coffee. I bailed. I took a video, snapped a video, laughed a little, cried for an unspecified amount of time, and left the lot. Dunkin Donut’s is the frozen pizza level of coffee compared to Starbucks, but that was the caffeine batting cage I was in that day. That’s it.
But then I thought about the people sitting in line and what went through their head once they finished playing Candy Crush, Angry Birds, or whatever is on their phones these days. All of that time spent waiting. Here are 20 things that could be going through their head.
20) Are they selling kidneys up there, or hearts and kidneys?
19) Do they have secret information on a Led Zeppelin reunion tour?
18) At the end of Jude Law’s “Alfie” remake, he asked a question: “What’s it all about?” So, what is it all about??? Do I find out now?
17) Wait, there’s a Lion’s Choice across the street?
16) How many drinks should I order when I get there? What if they fuck up one of them and I can’t go back?
15) I should be homeschooling my three kids right now, but daddy needs his STARBUCKS!
14) I fell asleep at the end of Survivor last night. Did that guy really eat his own shit?
13) Is Joe Exotic innocent?
12) Is Carole Baskin a cold-blooded killing bitch … or just a bitch?
11) What actually do tigers dream of when they take a little tiger snooze?
10) Will Christopher Nolan hold off in delaying his new film, “Tenet,” or will he crumble and delay it?
9) Will people ever stop making these “you can only pick 3” memes?
8) What is Steve Martin doing right now?
7) Could Bernie Sanders have beaten Donald Trump?
6) If Trump pardons Joe Exotic, will his ratings go up?
5) Did I turn off the oven before I left?
4) Will movie theaters recover from this pandemic? What about local bars and restaurants?
3) Are assassins still thriving right now? What about cartels? Is there a cartel in St. Louis??
2) Maybe I should call my mom more. Will she lecture me?
1) What the fuck am I doing waiting 90 minutes for a cup of coffee anyway?!!?
Thanks for reading. I hope you laughed.