Here’s What I Know, Volume #16: Candy obsessions, missing Robin Williams, and the welcoming of fall

Greetings from Princeton Heights, ladies and gentlemen.

I have a few things to say and only a small amount of time to get to all of the noise in my head that can only be printed here, so let’s make some haste. I mean, do you really think KSDK readers want to know that I ate 35 pieces of hard candy last night?

Nobody cares. Let’s get on with it. A random thought orgy starts now. Pour the damn coffee and play the fucking tape.

CANDY OBSESSION

If I have an Achilles heel in this life, you can call it Captain Skittle Boston Baked Bean of the Airhead Division.

My son turned seven years old last week, and he had a party, which means. candy was present. I got a lot of it. Hard candy minus Ellen Page. Suckers, blocks, all kinds of goodness that my dentist won’t like in March.

It sits in kitchen in two tubs, and these things stare me down every second I am in there. “Come on, asshole, get a handful and acquire a stomach ache.” I can hear it from upstairs…like a mantra of ill will being launched at my colon. I can’t resist. I ate 35 pieces last night, which means I will shit out a sugar pipe bomb later this afternoon. Send help.

MISSING ROBIN

Good Will Hunting came on a few hours ago, which means I was useless and unreachable for two hours. Gus Van Sant’s movie is brilliant, and the magic dust was Robin Williams. Without Williams, the movie doesn’t get made with a couple young nobody screenwriters named Matt Damon and Ben Affleck back in 1997.

Without Williams’ Sean Maguire, the movie isn’t as good. He’s the therapist who nurtures Damon’s genius rebel back to health, but that’s just the start. Williams’ best moment of the film starts with dialogue he ad-libbed on the spot. The scene where he talks about his dead wife farting in her sleep really got Damon cracking up. Those are real tears of laughter. What followed was real heavyweight hitting dialogue reading, where Maguire talks about meeting his wife, her descent into cancer, and what it did to him. You can’t fucking teach that, and the comedic opening set it up.

You see, lewy body dementia can go fuck itself. It took a great actor and good dude. Williams could do anything a script wanted. Daniel Day Lewis couldn’t do comedy. Williams could. He was nominated for Oscars in roles ranging from comedy to drama. Who else can do that? A precious few.

I miss him. Watching him is just bittersweet.

THAT’LL DUE, SUMMER, THAT’LL DUE…

Summer can just go away. See yourself out. Stop. I am tired of sweating profusely when taking out the garbage, bugs flying in my face, and walking through spider webs at night. It’s all a giant pack of bullshit that I am done with. I prefer winter over summer, and that’s because I don’t feel the need to take three showers a day.

The fall season is close. The official start of Autumn is in two days. Mark your calendars. I want to apologize to the Muny loving crowd that will soon lose their sweaty nights of pretend and theater. Sorry Art Fair addicts who love to walk around thinking about buying shit they can’t afford while trying to avoid the acquisition of smelly armpits in the process. I would like to issue a citation of grief to the crowd who needs a roasted hot pepper glint to their skin in order to feel Instagram ready. Sorry, peeps. It’s almost over.

I am really tired of mowing my lawn. Podcasts don’t make it much better.

THE CAPTAIN MARVEL TRAILER OFFENDS PEOPLE

Marvel’s latest thrill-a-minute diamond fest of casting and filmmaking provided a tease on Tuesday with the arrival of the Captain Marvel trailer. For the crowd who still hasn’t a seen a single Marvel film or doesn’t care for them, this is the time to scroll on down to the next section. For the rest, keep going.

The two minute clip had it all. A fearless rock star looking Brie Larson. A digitally youthful Samuel L. Jackson without an eye patch. Great special effects. LEE PACE…IN SPACE! Origin tales. A suit that looked like Superman mixed with Spider Man. A cool reluctant hero story that we all know and love, but still find refreshing and original. I dug it. Thanos has no idea what’s coming his way. Larson was trapped in a room for two hours, bro. Check your purple-studded ball sack chin at the door.

But, someone managed to be offended and bring down the good times bus.

Melissa McEwan found something wrong in the clip. Here it is:

Seriously, Melissa? You can’t just sit back and enjoy a film where the female character is the rock star lead and kicking all kinds of ass. Larson slugs an old lady on a train in the clip. Still, Jackson spoke more. Oh shit! Call the Feminism Patrol.

This is overreaction on a large scale of butthurt proportions. Larson is the lead. The one who will take down Thanos and get 2-3 more films. Coupled with Wonder Woman being the only redeemable DCEU film, and women are looking good in uniform.

I just don’t get it. You know what? I am offended by Melissa’s offended tweet. Yep.

Please, don’t screw her latte up.

Final Thoughts:

*My kid is SEVEN YEARS OLD! Holy shit!

*People in traffic cutting people off to get to a stop sign 30 yards ahead should be sent home for 30 days. Slow down.

*One day, in the year 2559, the Poplar Street Bridge will be completed.

*I have accumulated 1,849 Uber rides in 14 months and that’s not even my full-time job.

*Cab drivers are the worst. Think of Brett Cecil’s pitching in a car.

*The Blues are back in action, and Pat Maroon already scored. The Big Rig is going to score 20 goals, get in 20 fights, and become a folk hero around these parts. Just watch.

That’s 1,000 words for you. I’m done here. Take luck.

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