Wake up, god damn it! A little Petey Greene for you this morning. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, track down the wonderful yet underrated Don Cheadle film, Talk to Me.
Now that I have your attention, let me provide a few thoughts that are rumbling around my head this not as cold Tuesday. There have been some favorable responses to the rants as of late, so perhaps I’ll drop a few more unfiltered takes here. Merciless prose bombs unfit for Midwestern house husbands and fulfilled yoga instructors.
Without any more bullshitting, here are five things I know:
5. Harrison Ford was a killer movie star once upon a time. He’s 75 years old these days, and while he hasn’t lost all of his swagger, there’s nothing like the timeless badass from Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and Blade Runner. I liked his recent reprisals of two of those legendary roles, but as I re-watch those older flicks, I have to admit the man had a star quality that few actors have these days. The man was Humphrey Bogart if he fought Nazis and cracked a whip while rocking a fedora. He even drove a fast ship.
A pure cinematic pleasure who didn’t have to put on 15 pounds of muscle or change his appearance to convince you he could take your woman and save the day all in the same night. Just watch The Fugitive, where he plays down the hunk appeal and goes chasing waterfalls while trying to prove his innocence. I think I’ll watch the Presidio and Witness next.
4. Oprah Winfrey gave a fine speech on Sunday at the Golden *Laughs his ass off* Globes. Does that make her Presidential? No, but if Donald Trump can get a fighting chance at running, so can Oprah. She is as qualified as that gingered joker, so give her a few minutes of your time. Personally, I’d like someone with actual political experience holding the nuclear codes, or Chuck Norris.
3. Some people shouldn’t drink alcohol at all. Trust me, I’m a semi-famous regionally relevant journalist who knows a thing or two about drunks. Here’s some sexy advice: alcohol isn’t required to have a good time. Seriously folks, put the bottle down and try to live without it. Since I drive drunks home every week, I think I am qualified to say this. There are souls out there who do the human race an injustice by drinking alcohol. I suggest cranberry sodas for warm pillows for these people. For fucks sake, stop whining about the guy who didn’t look at you and gents, please stop treating women like casino chips that expire in 24 hours.
2. People who complain about getting older need to get a grip. These are the delightful asshats who whine about being the oldest person at the party or scream when they see a gray hair emerge. Let me bring you in on a little secret: time always wins. You are going to get older, whether you like it or not. Consider it a blessing, because believe me, there are some people out there who wish their loved ones were still around. I wish a few of my friends and family got more time on this rock, so when I hear people talk about approaching 40 or bypassing 50, I get antsy and angry. Shut it down. Shut it down now. Every day you wake up, it’s a day to savor. Remember that, and for fucks sake, no one cares about your workout routine.
1. Cold weather is still better than hot weather. I’ll take bitter cold over overbearing heat. The dry skin itches and the car doesn’t drive as smooth, but everything else is better. It’s prettier outside, the coat you loved to wear will also keep you warm, and the two showers a day routine isn’t required. People, when I walk outside on a 95 degree day after cleaning up and feel like I need another rinse, it’s not cool. The cold only makes you throw an extra layer on and drink more coffee. While everybody else complains about the single digit temps, I sit over here and smile.
What else? I’m currently watching Manhunt: Unabomber, the Discovery series about the hunt for Ted Kaczynski now playing on Netflix. Paul Bettany is killing it, and my Banshee auteur, Greg Yaitanes, is directing the series. Expect a review soon.
Here’s a few links for your reading pleasure:
Thanks for hanging around,