The Work of a Blunt Gentleman

Some say I’m nice and some say I am a little blunt for their taste.   All I can do is be myself.   As the last bit of Tuesday rolls off the table, here are some thoughts for you to consider.   Reading my rants is like listening to a maniac before being thrown from a plane.   When you hit the ground, you remember what you want.  Here we go in list format.  If my previous rants carried a certain order, this one will maintain zero sign of organization.  Completely random and off the top of my head but heavily taken from my all day conversation with Pj The Mang Nolan today in his response to my previous blogs.   When PJ and I go head to head, ambulances don’t even bother because the level of dialogue is so high and dangerous that help isn’t wanted.  The guy brings out the best in me.  Here are some excerpts and additions from our conversation today.

Dexter, Season 5 comes to DVD-I liked the last season of Dexter because it was a change of pace.  For once, Dexter connected with someone who shared the will to kill for a reason.  It was fleeting, but I liked the different look.   Following Trinity, the bar was impossible to meet so I think they did fine.  As long as it stays par for the course, this series is a cut(wink wink bitch) above the rest.  Seasons 1 and 4 were the best because they contained the best story and finale.   Season 6 finds Dexter free at last to battle the bad guys again.  Remember, Dexter goes killing, not hunting, in this world.  Something to look forward to.  As shows gets older, they don’t have to reinvent the wheel.  Just keep delivering the goods.

Sam the Ram is an easy name to hate but I don’t think it’s that bad.   What’s better?   Sammy Rocket?  Bradford Special?  How about this nickname?  The Oklahoma kid.   Simple, majestic or elegant.  Pick a poison.  I am also cool with calling him Sam Bradford.  As long as he slings touchdowns and wins games with his ability, I don’t care what people call him.  Sam the Ram was first printed in the Post and I have the newspaper because it was the next day after the draft and it had all the stories  However, every star doesn’t require a nickname in order to craft a legend.   We incorporated part of Pujols’ speech into his nickname and it stuck.   Prince Albert is retarded.  Don’t ever say that again or I will give you one of Taylor’s hats.

The Blues have a slightly higher chance to contend in the Western Conference, but still need to prove they can play well through the middle part of the schedule.  Will anyone become homicidal if Jonathon Cheechoo makes the Blues team and every time he scores, a train horn fires off inside Scottrade Center.  “Its the Cheechoo Train, baby”.

Albert Pujols, as we have both pointed out, is swinging at more pitches out of the zone, increasing his out potential and decreasing his walks.  During the four games against Florida and four games over the weekend, he showed amazing ability to resist the urge to reach.   Can he keep it up?  Entering his holy ground of baseball destruction in PNC Park, I see it happening.   After, who knows?  I expect AP to resign here for a modest deal but this season is a tricky walk but remember the guy missed 2 weeks and still has 29 HR, 75 RBI and a .289 BA with 80 runs scored.   Not bad, but not Pujols.   Pujols said it best.  Most players would kill to have this numbers right now.  That’s the unfortunate concept of being awesome.  Yes, the world would spin better if he went on a usual Aug-Sept terror and destroyed pitching.  However, Pujols’ bat is as confounding as this team’s play.   You don’t know which Albert will show up from series to series.   If he doesn’t rake the Pirates at PNC, when can we really count on him to do anything against the Dodgers or Cubs?

The Cardinals can’t put it all together and until they do, life will be hard on them in the final 38 games.   They dug their own hole last week when they failed to pick up ground on the Brewers, losing 2 painful games and losing ground after gaining momentum in Florida.  Now, its a constant game of catch up.  It will be up to their starting pitching to get the job done because the lineup will produce more times than not.   Can we catch the Brewers? Right now, it looks doubtful but sooner or later the Brewers must hit a wall.  If not, this season is over.

Tiger/Steve-Here’s what happened with Tiger Woods and Stevie(more lame and pathetic) Williams.   As Tiger struggled, Williams old ancient ass tried to give Tiger some tips and suggestions.  After about 13 “okay, fine, thanks” routines, Tiger snapped and said something like this.
“Steve, shut the fuck up.  I don’t care what you think.  I don’t pay you to think or suggest.  I pay you to walk.  Here’s the deal.  I am the best.   I piss excellence.  I’m the one with the big black mamba cock who fucked 14 different women while telling the world I was a family man.  I have the greatest player in the world(including India) tag on my back.  You see all those people on the sidelines.  They come to see this brother work, not your crusty old ass who couldn’t hack a three wood from a playground sand box.   What do you hear in the air right now?  GO TIGER!  The world wasn’t built with kings getting suggestions from meaningless old guys.  Did Michael Jackson need to be told how to dance?  Fuck no.  Did someone tell Eddie Murphy to wear leather?  Hell no. Did a key grip on a porn set tell Ron Jeremy how to eat that pussy? No.  See what I’m saying.  You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.  So save your words for the little ones who are too dumb to understand.   Here’s an idea.  When I’m drilling 3 hookers tonight, would you be so kind to reach down, pick up my cock and hand it to me?  Thanks.  Just don’t tell me how to fuck.”
A caddy is a bat boy, a carrier, a stand in.   Can you imagine the bat boy telling Albert Pujols about his swing?   If Woods wanted help, he’d hire a swing coach.  Hopefully, Adam Scott reminds Williams of the rules of caddies.

I am also all for a Woods unplugged session.  He has to be sitting in a room thinking to himself, “Well, if my ability is leaving me, that doesn’t mean I can’t say what I want”.   I always imagined Woods and Mickelson engaging in a hockey fight halfway down the 18th hole, as they sprinted towards a winner take all birdie.   Woods calling Roy McGaroy a worthless kangaroo humping fag.   Screaming out loud during Adam Scott’s tee off, “AIDS, AIDS, AIDS”.   Literally fucking a woman on the green before he putts.    Tiger Unplugged is HBO Emmy winning potential.   If you can’t win anymore, use your other tool.  Free speech.   Tiger Woods comes to the putting green in a thong and lets his cock finish the putt.   “How do you like me now, bitches!”.   As an athlete gets older, they get more blunt and now is time for Tiger to rip the cover off his recovering nice guy persona.   Being a halfway in/out golf spectator, I would love to see Tiger cut loose, because it would piss off the golf die hards, like Carlin.

George Carlin’s Greatness-There’s no fucking doubt Carlin was the greatest.   He blended comedy and relevance better than any comic.   Everything he said carried a meaning and had a target.  He was the Greg Maddux of comedians.  He didn’t waste one joke for a phony laugh.  For that alone, he is miles ahead of Leary, Cook, CK, Attell or any other hack.   He crossed any line if it meant getting a point across.  He was the rare comedian who taught you something while you rolled around in laughter.   Even as he got older and lost some of his fastball, Carlin was still sharp and literal.   There will never be another Carlin.

Sleep Deprivation/I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead-Its an unplanned event.  I literally finished a show with Rae the other night, and told myself a rant had to be done.   After a series win against the Rockies and before a work week is a perfect time for a blog.   There’s nothing worse than holding thoughts over for an extra day while fresh news rolls in.  I have half a rant wrote Friday that I never got back to, and two days later, half of it was old broken shit that didn’t exist.   Also, its no benefit to your body to sleep for 2-3 hours and get back up.  That’s torture.  A smarter soul just stays up, stays busy and gets stuff done.  For as tired as I was last night around 10pm, I accomplished a shitload in a day.    A full blown rant, a workout at the gym, a 3.6 mile run, 8 hours of work, a reply to you on lunch, 2 hours of softball, dinner made, 2 shows watched and then bed.  This so called crazy man(planted on my head by at least 3 people) was very productive by staying up throughout the night.  Sleep is something you can always make up.

I am not even sure The Cardinals are even worth a mention here because of their lousy fucking play last night.   Look, this team isn’t going to win shit if they can’t build some momentum.   They beat Florida, lose to Milwaukee, beat Colorado, and lose the first game to Pitt.   Momentum as in winning series after series with the occasional sweep.  That is the only way we are going to stand a chance.   You can’t call this team dead because they will fire off 2-3 consecutive wins, hang in the race and make this final month a torture session.    However, they aren’t good enough right now to stay in this race.   Here is the disgusting part.   Over the weekend, the Pirates only scored 3 runs.  3 GOD DAMN RUNS!  3 runs in 28 innings.  On Monday against us, they score 6 runs.   That is nonsense and the main reason we are having serious problems.  I agree with your peaked theory, but will add that wonder boys McClellan and Lohse were winning every start and locking down teams.   Things were going just right and now, in crunch time, they are not.   This lineup is powerful, but goes to sleep on certain nights where big hits are required.   Life would be simple if our pitchers only needed 2-3 runs to win a game, but that’s not the case.  Westbrook, EJ, and Lohse all need more support than 2-3 runs and when they falter early like last night, the lineup is falling behind and failing in key spots.  The Cards can’t hit enough to make up for average starting pitching.   Once again, we look to Carp tonight to stop the bleeding, stitch the wound and point us in the right direction.   If we lose tonight and give up this series, I will join you in saying this team is dead to rights.   However, whether we win or not this week, I don’t see this team catching Milwaukee.   While the Cards have talent, they don’t have enough to erase a 6 game deficit.  On August 16th, that is my general opinion.   I will still watch them play and battle, but slowly the urge to see them stay in the race will slip away.  Atlanta is in our sights, but what are the chances of catching them with our style of play right now?  Pj, this team isn’t good enough right now to catch anyone because they need to spend less time watching the scoreboard and keeping their eyes on the outcome of the game happening on the field in front of them.   Fucking losers are still shitty!

Jeff Mauro, Newest Food Network Star-Jeff and his so called fancy sandwiches.  He is a pretty likeable fellow who can make anything into a sandwich.  He would make you a bacon sandwich and keep it simple and tasty as hell.   Everything on food network isn’t fancy you little shit.   It’s just fresh ingredients and very very fucking tasty LOOKING food.  Jeff is a hometown guy with a wife and kid who quit his job to try out for this competition and beat a lot of fancy cooking bitches.   I love a guy who can make any fine cuisine into a big mouth watering sandwich.   While a lot of the Food Channel is finesse cooking, Jeff is all old school.  His show is on Sunday mornings, a good spot for a newcomer.  Its called Sandwich King.  Watching the guy cook, he owns up to the title.  He took duck meat, covered it in peppers and cheese, and served it on foccaia bread and I literally wanted to strangle someone for it.

Rams Record in 2011
It all depends on their division play.  Mang, if they fuck up against the 49ers or Seahawks with horrible QB’s, how can we expect this team to go into Dallas, New York, Balty, Pitt and take down good teams.   The Redskins are pushovers but you never know.   The quality of this team depends on the health of their receivers, the running game and the secondary not getting burned.  While Philly isn’t a shoe in for the Super Bowl, Michael Vick is going to have fun with our secondary and make our linebackers work.   The Rams must sweep or lose only 1 game in their division if they are going to win 10 or 11 games.   However, I think the Rams are the most well rounded team in the division and should it with a 9-7 record.

The reason The Milwaukee Brewers are so good.  The bullpen.   K-Rod and John Axford make every game a 7 inning exercise.   It’s just good and hard to beat.  When Wainwright went down with Tommy John, The Cards chances were cut in half.  The Brewers picked up Zach Greineke from the rescue shelter in Kansas City and acquired Shaun Marcum from the Blue Jays.  Two solid starters.  The Cards lost one great arm and the Brewers gained 2.   This division was stacked in the Brewers favor.  They were picked to win this thing or fall to the Reds.  It’s a testament to the resilience of the Cards that we are still in it to win it and are separated from the rest of the division with Milwaukee.  Just a perspective.  The Brewers have a great rotation, great lineup and hard to beat bullpen.  Did I say how hard it is going to be to overtake them?

Sometimes you have to say when in Rome.  Anchorman fans will get that expression.

Going without internet or cable is like taking water and food from me for two hours.   A mad man session.   As long as I had a notebook to write in, I would be fine but eventually I might kill someone.   It’s the way we are all set up these days.  Internet, cable, coffee, relax, sleep. Repeat.  Which could I last longer without, cable or internet.  Cable.  Think about this though.  If you have the internet, you must have some kind of computer/laptop/notebook to use it on, so you could watch several shows, videos and songs while on the internet.  It is hard to turn the genius button off.

Watch The Other Guys, with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg two times my friends.  It’s a hidden comedy blast. Watch it again and hold judgement until then. Unlike dramas and action films, comedies need a little room to fully land.   Different brands of humor effect everyone in their own time.  I didn’t expect the Other Guys to blow my head off the second time….but it did and now whenever its on I stay tuned for at least 30 minutes.

Denis Leary-Leary’s routine was a guy standing in the middle of the stage ranting, looking a little disturbed and pissed off.   He was all material and not physical comedy.  A ranter.  I’d pay to see Leary rant about random shit.   I am not saying the man deserves a nobel peace fucking prize for his quotes, but I find his comments on 9/11, The Osama kill, firefighters, and politics in general to be quite blunt and appreciative.  You want a real taste of his everyday cynical bite, start following him on Twitter.   It won’t cost you a thing and will give you a taste while I find some clips worth sending.   Also, start watching Rescue Me, which is one of the best shows on television any time of the year.   Leary is a respected guy because he tackles issues with touchy subject matters and goes all in.  His next subject.   Paramedics in a show called Sirens on the USA network.

I am for a Dirty Tiger Woods appearance.  Think about it, golf nuts and golf casual souls everywhere.  He needs to grow a froo on his head, dress like a pimp and have 6 or 7 greasy ugly slightly overweight women follow him on the green.   If you can’t be great, look original and take home the attention prize.   Give up the harvard lawyer look and get a few tats on the arms.   Sponsor Church’s chicken and Panda Express.   Audiences play a game guessing which hole Tiger will fuck.  He sinks a birdie and yells, “I JUST FUCKED THAT HOLE REAL GOOD!”  It’s only bad if you didn’t laugh people.

I do have a sick mind, but I’m in my own little world and they know me here.

The Legend of Troy Siade-Sunday would of been my good late friend Troy Siade’s 43rd birthday.  He passed away in 2004 at 36 and Sunday I thought about him a little.  There are many days where I think about TS, and it happens right after a Cardinals game.  While he delivered the zingers about life and was a helluva lawyer, Troy was a baseball nut.  He was one of the internal nerve center warriors on the Manual Scoreboard in Old Busch Stadium.   A lot of people die too young from cancer.  Kids in their teens.  Kids in pre school.   Its simply not fair.  That’s my only way of explaining it.  Life takes a piece out of you when it wants and all we can do is deal with it.  I finally posted the framed picture of Troy sliding a number into the board on the same wall with the rest of my scoreboard/Cards attire.  The day we spread his ashes was a day I will never forget.   We laid our the man over his favorite player, Jimmy Edmonds.   Always a good moment to remember Troy.

Jason Isringhausen, one of my favorites of all time, reaches 300 saves last night in San Diego.  A milestone of 300 saves is a place where over 20 have reached and some say isn’t too substantial of an achievement.  How great can you feel about 300 saves when two guys named Trevor and Mariano have over double your amount.  However, Izzy battled and fought for his 300 saves.   When the Cards left him for dead and baseball forgot about him, Izzy kept working to get healthy and come back.  He joined the Mets in a non closer role this season, and when K-Rod was traded, he took over in New York.  He is 7-11 with the Mets in save chances this season, which isn’t very good or very bad.   300 saves means different things to different players, and for Izzy, it was the top of the mountain.  He reached it after 15 years, 4 or 5 surgeries and 4 teams.   Once a premier closer for the A’s and Cards, Izzy is just another arm now but still getting the job done.  A pitcher who drove you nuts and made things interesting, but always took the blame.  I always liked Izzy for his attitude and post game tolerability as much as his skills on the field.  He was a true ballplayer and good teammate.  He never made excuses and took the blunt force trauma of the fans and media after a blown save.   Getting 300 was his goal and 4 surgeries, 15 years of pitching and changing uniforms later, he reached the end.   I stood by him during his rough patches so I have to take calls here for a good deed.  It’s like a lawyer telling praise for his client staying clean for a full season.

Jim Thome becomes the 8th player to reach 600 home runs.  One of eight.  That’s special.  Thome is a true ox of the game.   Like Griffey Jr., he never got looked at in the steroid era because his power is all natural country fried steak plowing.   If The NL had a DH, I would love to have Thome on the Cards.   ESPN loves anything about the Yankees and Red Sox because they are the money clubs.  Imagine if Thome played for the Yankees while getting 600?  600 is a serious milestone.  Pujols will easily reach that club.

The Cardinals mission.  It’s quite simple.   These next 12 games will determine if the Brewers series in late August and early September mean anything.   If we can’t go 10-2 against the Pirates, Cubs and Dodgers, we don’t deserve anything and may as well hand the keys over to Milwaukee.   However, we will know for sure after that game against Milwaukee on September 7th if the last 3 weeks mean anything.   If the Cards can’t beat their opponent, don’t worry about the help.

I will try Curb Your Enthusiasm soon.  Larry David’s follow up comedy series to Seinfeld is a show I have passed over for years but made a bet with PJ to watch while he dives into Rescue Me.  I might jump into a little of this season before I go back since the story lines are disjointed.   I loved Larry David’s cameo on Entourage where he talked to Drama.   He seems like a funny guy.  Curb is one of those shows that seems cool and fun to watch if I had all fucking day to watch television.   In the choices world I live in(as you and many others do), I choose other shows.   Luck of the draw.  It has nothing to do with the brand of humor.  Breaking Bad and Walking Dead fall into that category as well.   Solid looking shows that I haven’t found time to dive into yet.   Sometimes I need to watch shows that don’t require me to think at all and don’t force me to write about them.   Shows like Chopped, MasterChef and Iron Chef.  All on the Food Network.

I still say Pujols is staying in St. Louis after the season.   I honestly don’t think he wants to take this “I’m King of the World” act anywhere else 11 years into his career.  His price tag will drop a little, but the Cards will pay up.  As my friend Chris said, it will come down to the man, not the stats, agent or amount of years and dollars.  If Pujols wants to stay, he will.   I think he sounds stupid when he says he has no control over the outcome.  You have an agent to figure out the dollars and years.  The player makes the choice.   I understand agents’ work but sometimes a guy has to take the reins of his life into his own hands.   Albert makes that choice in the end and I hope he stays.

That is all folks.  Another round of unfiltered opinion is closing up.  If you chose to read this, I appreciate it.  If not, better luck next time.  My words will catch up to you eventually, in person or on the page.

Until then..(hesitantly)…Go Cards…(sad look on face)….

Goodnight and Good luck,

DLB aka A Blunt Gentleman

 

 

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Author: D. Buffa

A regular guy who feels a journalistic hunger to tell the news. I blog because its wired into my brain to write what I think in print. I offer an opinion. A solo tour here. Take regular stories and offer my spin on them. Sports, film, television, music, fatherhood, culture, food, and so on. Commentary on everything. A St. Louis native and Little Rock resident who wants to write just to keep the hands fresh and ready.

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