South City Confessions: Don’t look up! In a world without Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg lost nearly $6 billion today. Say it again with me, but with a Dr. Evil meets Donald Trump line reading… A BILLION DOLLARS! That’s a lot of money. I’ve had some rough days myself, including last week’s instance where I wanted Kraft Mac n’ Cheese but didn’t have it.

As men, these sorts of events are intended to harden us. Make us tougher, or something like that. We grow and do better next time. For Zuckerberg, the loss dwindles his overall total to a measly $117 billion. The dude won’t be able to buy half the world, or not yet. Here I am, trying to think of different ways to make money so the mortgage can be paid, and poor Marky Snark wakes up tomorrow six billion dollars poorer.

In the words of Livia Soprano (played ferociously by Vera Farmiga this month): “Oh, poor youuuuuu!!!”

Suck it, Mark. Also, I don’t need six tabs on the bottom of my page. I’m not Gordon Gekko with a bald head and a Skittles addiction. If I want to sell something on your app, I’ll seek it out. Also, stop hacking into my Google searches and showing me t-shirts I looked at six years ago. Seriously, let it go.

While we’re on the Facebook Hulk Slam swing here, allow me to repeat: If I make a personal page, please don’t bury in the Facebook ocean deeper than your Myspace corpse. It’s not cool. Asking for my money to boost a post that you will just apply lipstick to and then shoot it in the chest a couple times like Tom Cruise in Collateral. No thanks.

Today, the highly popular and mildly polarizing social media app went down–as in, experienced an outage. One that wasn’t quelled until the late afternoon hours. Instagram and Messenger were also down, throwing the daytime brunch crowd into a panic about what they will do with all those food pics and selfies? The nerve of this shit to take place on a MONDAY of all days.

Meanwhile, Jack Dorsey and the Tweet Crew enjoyed a lot of non-personal and highly personal Facebook burns, roasts, and mostly all the time slams on their app. Now that Mark is back on his feet and wearing out his iPhone calculator, Jack will just enjoy some toaster ravioli and gooey butter cake (like it’s just him alone operating Twitter… idiot!!)

I enjoyed the day off from two. Instagram is a hallowed ground of influence, unless you use 65 hash-tags with each post. Facebook is a bottomless pit of arguing. I use it primarily to post my articles and enjoy the extended post. One that doesn’t have a character trap. You can just go off in one post, typing a mini-novel and getting everything across instead of relying on people getting 35 references in a tweet.

Yes, I’ve heard about Twitter threads, but those are a copout and can be ditched at any time. Once people start commenting on a longer thread, the whole thing turns into a Brentwood Promenade parking lot at 1pm on a Sunday.

Facebook, and IG as well, offer a lengthier option to get a point across and express it fully. But to be honest, I started to enjoy their absence more with every vanquished hour. What if they never came back and all we had was Twitter? I’d take it.

Zuckerberg is back, albeit with only enough money to own slightly less than half of the world. Life carries on. I think it would if Facebook and Instagram never returned. Who knows? Tomorrow awaits. Thanks for reading.

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