Director Brawl! Who wins a fight between Eastwood, Scorsese, and Ridley Scott?

I think Clint Eastwood could kick your ass. Mine as well.

Call it assurance with history and perspective thrown in. A wonderful film critic by the name of Will tweeted out something today that I found instantly addicting. See for yourself:

Ladies and gentlemen of the bloody knuckle jury, we have a combined age here of 249 years. It’s something The AARP, high-pant wearing ex-soldiers could appreciate. Three old dudes kicking it old school with the threat of broken hips, nightmares of polio, and bad knees weaving throughout every punch.

But can you imagine how cinematic this could get? All three directors would have a hand in the setup of the scene and shot, but once the camera started rolling and the wrestling begin, all bets are off. Now, before you rule out Scorsese due to his height and weight, think about his specialty in the film world: Gangster flicks! Out of shape, middle-aged to old men throwing epic beatings on younger people. They find a way and I do think Marty stays in this thing longer than most would think.

But Scott seems like a scrappy dude, someone who can turn into a bearded pretzel in the ring out of nowhere. He’s not exactly a peach when fists are thrown, but I don’t imagine even he can outwit the thin yet sturdy Eastwood. Maybe it’s the fact that he can do so much killing with the smallest amount of words, or it could be the weathered voice that sounds like bourbon-aged beef jerky if it could talk. Eastwood just looks angry. He looks angry when he smiles, if we are indeed labeling it a smile. He’s tough, but in a way that millennials wouldn’t understand. He’s the guy you hug and come away smelling like a combination of shoe polish, firewood, and a medium rare ribeye.

Clint is something else and I don’t see him losing. Scorsese will turn into a spider monkey in there, throwing a hundred punches while bobbing and weaving. De Niro is his corner guy, but he’s too busy reading Donald Trump’s Twitter to see Marty take a vicious right cross from Clint, throwing him from the ring. After he picks himself up and dusts the pants off, Scorsese decides to retire from the fight and pick up a camera.

All of a sudden, “Gimme Shelter” starts playing as Scorsese circles the two men going for broke in the middle of the ring. Scott is pulling off some elderly Gladiator disco hip move that throws Eastwood off momentarily, only for Clint to right himself and mutter to Ridley, “is that all you got, bird boy?!” This is of course a reference to Scott’s production company, Scott Free, which has a nicely-dressed man running off and turning into a flying bird. This dazes Ridley, allowing for Eastwood to barrel both fists into his chest, knocking the wind and last ounce of fight out of the English filmmaker.

Clint has a bloody lip, but the kind of one that never keeps bleeding in the movies. It slows up just enough to let you know he did in fact get punched. Maybe the blood inside his body is afraid to flow too fast. It’s an urban myth that way too many dead cowboys have tried to answer.

The great thing about this wildly unkempt idea is that gets talking about three of the longest-tenured and greatest filmmakers STILL working today. Eastwood may be the first human to direct a movie at 100, and Scorsese and Scott find multiple ways to challenge themselves. Scorsese went ultimate epic mode with “The Irishman,” sticking to his filmmaking guns and using cutting edge technology to pull a few decades off his lifetime muses, De Niro and Joe Pesci.

All of their films don’t hit perfectly. Sometimes, you wonder what in the hell they are doing, but eventually realize they are just happy to be playing the game at an age where most filmmakers taper off and produce more. Imagining producing has me thinking of someone who isn’t on the set 24/7, and won’t get blamed if it all goes wrong. A director shoulders that every time, so it’s impressive to see these ancient-only-by-the-numbers on-my-driving-license lions still kicking.

Will Mavity just had the ingenuity to post a cool stretch of the imagination. Seeing three old creatives letting the hands go.

Thanks for humoring me and I bid you a good evening.

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