Sometimes, you just need to talk it out. Like the old man said at the bar, “speak as if no one is judging.”
Now first, I am going to unload a few quick thoughts. We are talking about gripes. Things that are pissing me off and I need to get out. It may be five things, or it could end up being 15. The key is getting it out fully without offending someone’s cat.
So let’s run with a few things here that may go somewhere, but may also go nowhere.
A few words about school carpools. Look, it’s simple. This is the lazy parenting line. We don’t want to get out of our fucking car in the morning to walk little Johnny up to the door. This is where we pull up, say goodbye, and speed on with our day. It’s fast food kid drop-off and pickup. The worst thing is a parent using walk up to the door tactics in the carpool line. Look, your kid doesn’t need a nudge of love every single morning. If so, park and walk him or her up. If you use the carpool line, treat that scene like a sequence from Bourne Identity, scream up to the cones, kick the door open and launch the kid out into a full-blown somersault. Please, don’t slow down the line. If you do, I’m afraid we’ll empty all the alcohol and ice cream out of your house.
Here’s the thing about pizza. Different strokes for different souls. Some like St. Louis style Imos thin crust. Others like lasagna inside a pie crust soaked in tomato sauce and meat. I get it. At the end of the day, it’s comfort food. The stuff you eat without making eye contact with your stomach. Give it a shot and don’t worry about being judged. It’s also okay to like a pizza style others do not. Wild, I know. There’s nothing worse than being a food snob who tells others what they are eating isn’t right. Last time I checked, the person eats is shitting it out later, so let it go.
What really pisses me off? The TV Show Police. I am talking about Joseph C. Knowbetter posting on Facebook or Twitter something like this, “DOES ANYONE ELSE NOT WATCH GAME OF THRONES?” This is the asshole who didn’t get enough French fries when he was young. He was two hugs short of a good Christmas and one sweet face short of a happy New Year. He’s too busy watching “Big Bang Theory” over and over.
Look, if you like BBT, feast your eyes. Get all nerdy and shit. Breathe into a bag and take it in. Just don’t harp on others for what they watch. “Game of Thrones is the most popular show in the world, which means it’s going to get the word mavericks out and about slamming people for watching a thrilling show. Those people are defective DNA asshats. Stop it. Eat a biscuit and relax.
Do I know what is going on half the time in this HBO treasure? No. Do I just watch for the violence and nudity? Debatable. I do like it because it upends every stigma that people attach to television shows. Good guys winning. Happy endings. Clear cut good and bad folks. You never know what’s going to happen next. It’s wild and fun. So shut up and give it a shot. Or not.
A message for Blues fans. Subscribe, purchase, or download St. Louis Game Time newspapers. We’re literary as fuck, full of unique prose, actually funny jokes, and we are the outsiders. Why now? The playoffs are a time where we really bring it. How do you subscribe? Contact Brad Lee at email@example.com.
A message for young St. Louis Cardinals fans. Don’t play left field like Marcell Ozuna, but try to hit for power like him. No, you don’t have to highlight a small part of your beard or wear a bright-colored arm sleeve. Just practice.
Now, let’s take some questions from my Facebook and Twitter pages.
Most embarrassing moment?
— Thomas Welch (@twelcher15) April 15, 2019
Thomas, I have to say it was when I shit my pants while jogging through my neighborhood. Look, was it a test fart gone wrong? A fart I couldn’t trust and did? A pure accident? Maybe all three. I was in high school, thought I could get a quick three mile jaunt in and it didn’t happen. Walk of shame…and itch.
Trade places for a day with anyone. Who would it be?
— Matt Schuckman (@SchuckWHIG) April 15, 2019
The Rock. The guy flies all over the place to film movies, works out like a beast and looks like a muscle bound badass. He’s lived an eventful life, is beloved by all, and just knows how to use social media and live life to the fullest. I’m already bald, so I’m on my way there anyway.
From @oates03: Today’s GIF?
Not sure about this one, but I love anything Ron Swanson said. Office ones are good too.
Do you play video games? If so, what systems/games? If not, why not? 🎮
— Maxamillion Foizey (@MaxOnMovies) April 15, 2019
I don’t play video games anymore, and it simply comes from a lack of passion. I used to play a ton of NHL05, Madden football, and MLB whatever. At some point, I stopped. There’s simply not enough time for me to do it. If someone wants to hook it up and go, I will play, but I can stop at any moment. I also do different things to unwind, like watch an old movie or work out.
Is the food at the strip clubs on the East Side as good as some make it out to be
— Mark Manning (@Tigers_SEC) April 15, 2019
Mark, I haven’t been in a strip club since my best friend’s bachelor party, and trust me, I didn’t eat a thing. I like dropping people off there and leaving immediately. It’s a temptation thing for me. Women wearing next to nothing around me and I am supposed to not touch. And the smell in those places. Bad deal all around. A bad decision waiting to happen.
Have you seen a movie better than game 6 of the 2011 WS?
— Christopher Singler (@CSingler) April 15, 2019
Hard to beat it. Ultra cinematic. The buildup, back and forth, and ending. There was some Usual Suspects type twists and turns in that game. Heart pounding like a horror flick. It’ll live on as one of the greatest true stories of all time.
Is it okay to eat popcorn when watching an X-rated movie?
— Randy Creasman (@randy_creasman) April 15, 2019
Sure, just watch your drops and handful grabs. Dropping a sharp piece of corn on a massive erection is not only damaging physically, but mentally exhausting to overcome. Take controlled grabs and get it all in the mouth.
Do you smoke weed and if you don’t did you back in the day?
— kylan (@sirpsychooosexy) April 15, 2019
Since it is illegal in this state, let me just say that I had some in California in February and will neither confirm or deny that I have consumed or smoked any since then. Hint: it should be legalized.
Why is Chris Brown still successful, and has a career after all of the years of abuse and assault?
— STL Cards (@StatsStlcards) April 15, 2019
He’s a bad boy and a lot of people dig that. Look, he’s not a politician or a saint. He’s done a lot of bad things, but when it comes to celebrities, especially musicians, people can turn an eye and forget easily someone’s misgivings. It’s the way. Mel Gibson has done some bad shit, but I’ll still watch his movies. We aren’t as morally superior as we think.
Best worst movie you’ve ever seen?
Most controversial opinion on chain coffee places?
Do you read fantasy series often, if so which are your favorite?
Why not Lyft?
— It’s probably so fine (@thisgyde) April 15, 2019
A real buffet of stuff here. Nicely done.
Best worst movie? I am going with “Over The Top” with Stallone. There’s so much wrong in that film, but I believe in Sly. He really leaned into that muscle bound cheese fest.
Chain coffee places lack consistency, and with coffee, that’s what I want.
I don’t read fantasy series.
With Lyft, I have heard from friends that the software isn’t as good and the rides don’t come as often. Also, I don’t need to confuse myself. If Uber takes a true dip, I may change it up. Maybe.
What kind of damage would the 2004/2005 Cardinals have done if Rick Ankiel avoided the yips and lived up to expectations on the mound?
— Daniel Gerth (@danieljgerth) April 15, 2019
I think we are talking about a World Series in one of those years. The Red Sox had too much offense, and the Cardinals started the series with Woody fucking Williams. Chris Carpenter went down and it hurt. 2005, someone to match Roy Oswalt. A dialed in Ankiel would have meant a lot.
What would it take for you to get back into the NFL?
— Earnest Christian (EJ) (@EJChristian7) April 15, 2019
I don’t know. A true marquee player like Peyton Manning that carries adversity with a ton of skill. Mahomes looks like a stud, but I just don’t care enough. It’s not there anymore. The league treats their players like shit, and won’t admit CTE is a thing. Hockey is at least using concussion protocol. The NFL is kind of a joke and once the Rams left and Manning retired, I had no care. It’s still dead to me.
Who was your first TV/Movie crush when you were young?
— Conway’s Lil Brother (@ConwaysLilBro) April 15, 2019
Tiffany Amber Thiessen. Saved by the Bell, baby! She had a mouth with sass coming out of it. A big ass. Large breasts. Curves. Brains. Loved jean shorts. Let’s just say I needed a sweat towel when I watched that show as a young buck. She was everything I wanted in a woman. And she’s still hot.
which blues alumnus would make the best blues coach next season?
— pǝıɟıɹǝʌ ɐɯnɐɹʇ pooɥpןıɥɔ ⚠️ (@ctrauma) April 15, 2019
I’d like Kelly Chase to get a shot. He isn’t calling games anymore, and seems to still have that fire in his blood for hockey. He has so much to give. He’d also be home more, because half the season he’d be in town, so the family would get more time.
Follow-up from CTrauma: If hockey was played in a plexiglass dome and therefore no pucks would be considered going out of play…. better? or worse?
Worse. While it sounds fun, I imagine the play getting out of hand. Pedestrians being struck and stuff. Keep that in roller hockey or nowhere.
Ladies and gents, that wraps up my stream of consciousness-infused Q&A. I want to thank all the participants and readers for hanging out inside the weird part of my brain.
This was fun and will happen again.