The Shit List: Groups of people who drive me crazy

With snow hitting the ground here in South City and local driving habits switching from ugly to straight dog shit, I felt like dropping in with an unfiltered rant about people and things that just make me mad. The kind of occurrences in our everyday life that cause one to quietly utter sixteen words to yourself that would shock your mother. 

I’m calling this grouping the “are you fucking kidding me?” list. Yep. Sounds about right, so pour a stiff drink into that hot cocoa and let’s run a little. 

The Turn Lane Terrorists

Talk about a group of people dropping a mental IED into your afternoon. These are the drivers who pull their car halfway into a turn lane, leaving their annoying ass hanging out into a lane of traffic. It happens all the time, and there are moments where I question the idea of jail time as I craft homicidal thoughts in my head. Look, get into the fucking entire lane or just drive on. You don’t really need that 10-piece at Chick-Fil-A and the 37 cars behind you won’t stab voodoo dolls with your license plate on it later that night. It’s a win/win. 75% of the time this happens with guys and their oversized trucks. 

Referees who break up hockey fights too soon

Testicle-less zebra hack jobs. First, there’s nothing wrong with a good hockey fight. It’s part of the DNA of the sport. When it all began back in the day, players fought and games changed. Momentum shifted along with the jaw line, and games were won on the backs of toughness. The softening of the game and the reluctance to let two guys duke it out has severely hampered the enjoyment level of the game. Can I let you in on a little secret? The majority of hockey fans couldn’t care less about Corsi, WAR on Ice stats, or what a player’s +/- rating is. They want action, energy, and a little substance. So, please stop breaking up fights so soon. They know what the sign-up sheet to play hockey entailed. Let them go. Stop being a little bitch and getting in the middle of a brawl, or you might catch a hook to the face. In fact, you should get punched. 

Parents who tell other parents what to do

Fuck right off. I mean, fuck off a long way. Every kid is different, and I couldn’t care less what works for little Timmy. I’m sure when he’s picking large cubes of snot out of his nose, you aren’t standing there admiring your work. There’s nothing worse than someone who thinks they know all there is to know about parenting because they pushed a human out of their crotch. There’s nothing more packed with pond scum than a dad with sperm that can swim telling another dad how it’s cool if their kid does this or that. You know, the No Shit police called, and said to go back inside your High Horse home. Parenting IS NOT relative. Stop handing out advice no one wants. Please go write a self-help book that no one reads. 

Political honks who assault others on Facebook

The worst. There you are, dishing out a harmless political take, and in drops a vicious right cross from THE CNN-MSNBC-WHITE HOUSE shitstain who slams it. The biggest problem with politics are the hoard of asshats who slam others for their beliefs. People stick to their system and think whoever doesn’t abide by their ideas can eat a bag of dog excrement. It’s sad really. Throw an idea out there and someone will hate it. It almost makes you wish some people weren’t allowed to have an opinion. It’s possible some aren’t residents of the left or loyalists of the right. Some just look at the candidates and vote. There’s nothing more toxic on social media than religious and political posts due to these people. They take the civil right out of it. Now, can we all agree Josh Hawley is a deliberate shithead?

*I’m sorry (not really) if I am saying shit, fuck, and asshat too much. This isn’t a KSDK post or a Lifetime channel movie fan page. As a certain great Blues fan paper states, you should just fucking get over it. 

The Offended Bunch

Oh boy. Watch what you say, because chances are, someone won’t like it. Don’t say anything about a disease or condition, because you may offend someone. It happens every day. A post sets someone off who can’t fit the easy theory into their head that if you go online and browse, you get offended. Don’t be so fragile or stay off the net. That’s the only advice to give. If you have a condition and someone makes a joke, get over it. 

Example: a couple years ago, someone made a joke about me and schizophrenia on Twitter. I talked about inspiring others to write and giving advice, and he quote-tweeted about me suffering from schizophrenia. I got mad. Very mad. I fired back a few times, got even more mad, and let it affect my entire day. Someone close to me suffers from the disease, so I took it personally. Did the person use bad judgment with their word selection? Sure. Could I have taken it differently, perhaps firing a humorous zinger back instead of a bold roast of emotion? Yes. Sometimes, it’s easy to react emotionally. For the greater part of humanity, try to remain seated next time you get offended. Save your energy. 

The Unhealthy eating complaint crowd

It’s simple. If you don’t like being fat and breathing like Tony Soprano after climbing a set of stairs, change your fucking eating habits. Eat a carrot or piece of broccoli. Go for a walk. Move around. If someone wishes to be fat, have fun with that. Just don’t be the person who complains about being fat and doesn’t put in the work. It’s not supposed to be easy. Life isn’t, so why would staying fit and healthy? Follow along with the rules we all agreed on at conception. If you want to start and need a good outline to follow that isn’t bullshit, here you go. It’s free. 

Women who wear heels and bitch about it 

We’ve covered this before, but I’ll say it again. Outside of the foot fetish crowd, which is simply disgusting, men and women don’t care what you have on your feet. As far as I can tell, the last thing I look at on a woman are the footwear. I look at the face, ass, boobs, shoulders, hips, thighs, and back to the but..I mean face. Screw the feet. Well, do what you want with the feet. The point is, ladies shouldn’t torture their feet for someone else’s pleasure. If they are going to complain about it three hours later, don’t wear the uncomfortable heels. It’s annoying. “Oh, these shoes are killing me!” Wear some fucking sneakers then. They are easier to pull off anyway. Also, who wants to kiss or look at a foot that’s deformed due to endless wear and tear from heels?!? Nobody. 

The Rundown: More people who should be thrown down a flight of steps without padding. 

*Twitter trolls. You know who they are. People who start an argument and can’t finish. Insults. Nothing to say. Useless. Delete them.

*Women who hate all men due to the acts of a couple gigantic asshats. Be better than that. 

*Men who think “brah” is a suitable word for every other sentence launch. Go back to school, dickhead. 

*Cooks who don’t understand the basic essential value of salt and pepper. Stop digging for the sweet herbs and magic dust. Just shake some S&P on that chicken, and we are good. 

*The asshole who takes weightlifting too seriously at the gym and wears a very, very tight shirt. Look, dude, this isn’t the bodybuilding championship. Just a bunch of people trying to stay in shape and not become a shape. Calm down and put on a looser shirt and eat a whole box of breath mints while you are at it. 

*Women who wear yoga pants yet get offended when men look at their ass. If you wear those tight substitute for leggings, all men and women-straight, gay, lesbian, or thinking about it-are going to look and imagine. Now, the lingering starers are a different story. 

*Mean people. You know, the people who just say mean shit just to appease themselves. 

Was this too mean? I’m honestly kind of not sorry about it. Some things must be said. 

Have a good one,

DLB

 

 

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