(From the Archives)
The beard is no more.
While tragedy didn’t strike in the Buffa household in the form of death, illness or serious injury(which is amazing because we hung pictures today), the beard came to an end. The monstrous full friend that has went wherever I went for the past three months. The last time I had this little hair on my face was during the final weeks of Banshee Season 3. Yeah, the little things count when it comes to facial hair memories. We all know where we were when the towers fell or the stadium collapsed. Where the hell were you before you had the great wall of fur, gentlemen? I bet you didn’t think there was going to be a beard postmortem on your must read agenda today, but that’s the way we kick it here at Up All Night. We bring all kinds of stories and don’t just tell you who got traded, which movie is good or how the latest wrestling match changed your life.
Here are 10 ways a beard makes a man look tougher because once the hair fell, I suddenly felt like I couldn’t win any telepathic battles with large groups of men.
*When you get up in the morning and look in the mirror, there is no large scream that makes you regret the way you look. The beard is your look. It is you.
*When someone drives around you in traffic and locks eyes with you, they hesitate to give you the finger because they think a tiny monster may climb out of your beard and beat the shit out of them.
*A beard makes any outfit good. Seriously. Bowtie and leotard. Tank top and slacks. Underwear only. A beard defies fashion logic. Try it out.
*There is no need to drag a blade across your face every other day. Growing a beard isn’t hard work physically.
*You don’t have to lather up your face and take off the small strands of fiber with a razor. You can use that razor to fight crime on the streets or perhaps take off that annoying patch of fur on your shoulder.
*When the little men attempt to grow their “playoff” beards during the hockey playoffs, you smile and look down on them like Thor does when he looks at mortals. “Haha, you people are so…tiny”.
*When the end of the world happens, people will flock to you because you have a beard. A beard makes you look like you know things and therefore could help civilization recover from that Justin Bieber based virus that wipes out millions. They will join your Walking Dead clan to try and survive.
*Salt n pepper. Enough said. Suck it Clooney.
*If you are an actor, more parts will flock your way because a beard gives you another dimension on screen.
*Men win Oscars because they grow beards for their roles. Do you think Clooney wins the Oscar for Syriana unless he grows that ridiculously salty beard? Hell no. Makeup artists need less time with you and screenwriters love to write bearded men into their stories and directors can point a camera at you and not brace for it to break. Actors currently living in their car eating two month old Ramen noodles and smelling like pure ass, grow a damn beard. It costs you nothing. Look at what it did for Will Forte.
*A beard transforms you from the lovable PG-13 guy everybody roots for yet never hangs posters of in their bedroom to the R rated mysterious dude no one wants to mess with and girls want to date. People hang posters of you in their room and put your face on their lock screens to protect their texts. You are no longer the guy the girls want to see end up with Kimmy but the man who can sniff out a terrorist simply by whisking your fingers through your beard.
*Abraham Lincoln had a beard. I rest my case.
I am not telling you a beard makes you awesome. I am telling you a beard makes you tougher, cooler and basically fantastic without much effort at all. Think about the men who have to go through so much trouble to make their facial hair look cool. David Ortiz, Jaime Garcia, and that one dude who only goes to clubs on Friday’s. Screw that. Grow a beard. Throw away your razors. Hide your trimmers. Embrace the idea of not giving a shit how you look.
I feel weaker when my beard is gone. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you probably haven’t really tried to grow a REAL beard before.
Thank you for reading and happy growing.