What if there was a Dirty Dozen remake with characters carrying the name of 12 cool beers?
If Hollywood is going to churn out remakes, sequels and reboots like Starbucks cranks out latte’s, they may as well insert a cool twist. Tuesday marked National Beer Day across the United States and that meant calling upon the tastiest beers in the land. Being a huge fan of craft beer(Budweiser fans can take their watered down mess back to the pool), I have become addicted to tasty rarely known cool sounding beer. Thankfully, a lot of the beer I love has a cool name to match the delicious taste. I’m the Most Interesting Man in the World when it comes to beer. I don’t love it every night, but when I do partake in the buzz inducing confines of the rich flavored alcoholic holy land beverage, I like to acquire some memorable beers. Why waste all those brain cells on crappy beers? Let’s assemble the 12 Tastiest Beers with the Best Names to create our Dirty Dozen Movie Cast.
Unfortunately, I haven’t found beers named Chuck Steak, Biff Webster or Slowjack Keys yet. Sorry George Carlin. The search continues. While I ponder the late great comedian’s disapproval, I fire up the casting.
12. Sweet Action Ale
This lovely lady has character and a bitter hoppy finish that will make your seat seem optional as you finish the first pint. This beer will have to be played by a lady, preferably Emma Stone because she’s foxy, cool and goes down easy when stared at for a few minutes. This is a Six Row Brewery(Brooklyn, New York) product and it can be bought in Red Bull sized cans. Cool design and a beer that will slowly knock you down but won’t make you forget your name.
11. Tank 7 Farmhouse Ale
This Farmhouse brew is from the Boulevard Beer Special Series, originating out of Kansas City, Missouri. The four pack 16 ounce bottles are good for getting a cold one out of the fridge and slowly digesting over the course of half of Goodfelllas. You won’t knock back this heavy set ale too fast, so you can at least make it too the Pittsburgh heist before a refill is needed. Why chase 7 Coors Light cans when a pair of Tank 7’s will do the job. The bottle has an extra long neck like an elephant, which makes me think the character needs to be played by a tall martial artist. Call Dolph Lundgren.
10. Rogue Dead Guy Ale
This lovely brew is far from a corpse, and will instantly put you in a good mood. After one sip, you’ll feel like Sean Connery is sitting next to you talking about getting Al Capone. It’s got a sharp pinch after a couple pulls, but rest assured that the awkward yet lovely feeling rolling through your stomach will slowly create a standing ovation in your liver as it wages war with this rogue devil. Steve Buscemi can knock this role out of the park.
9. Winter Grind Coffee Stout
I picture the lovely redhead from Mad Men, Christina Hendricks, embodying this beast of a glass. She’s busty, sassy, has hips that could move battleships and can knock you out with one punch(or long drink). This Mothers Brewing Company product out of Little Rock, Arkansas isn’t designed to be consumed at one party. This is the the six pack a writer takes out to a cabin for a week when they are writing a breakup album. It’ll kick your ass if you let it and you might even like it.
8. Backwoods Bastard
Founders make beers for grownups. You bust this old hairy maestro out at a high school get together and you may as well come with buckets for the kids to use when they dispatch this beast. Sam Elliott was born to play this beer because he is 100 percent man pride and has a mustache that could cure world hunger if twirled correctly(get close enough to try it and please write a short story as you recover in the hospital).
7. Dirty Bastard Scotch Ale
A person could simply smell this beer and feel oozy and laidback within seconds. It’s a one of a kind roller coaster ride through Wyatt Earp’s addict. If you make it through one bottle without wondering if your feet are still touching the ground, I’ll find a stone and carve your initials into it with your nose because I doubt you’ll feel a thing after consuming this bad bad man. Vinnie Jones can play this. You know, the former professional soccer player turned actor from Snatch.
6. Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout
Yeah, that’s right. Mother Russia has a new mad hat in the beer game and the picture on the bottle could scare 39 year old child out of his bed. Drinking this beer is like challenging Lou Ferrigno to a bicep curling contest. Crazy stacks of taste, girth and measured poise that could have landed you a role as an extra in The Dead Poets Society or as Arnold’s brother in Red Heat. Russian boxer Ruslan Provodnikov can play this role. He fits the description. If you think not, look at the picture of him rearranging Timothy Bradley’s skull complexion.
This Mother Brewing Company product is nicknamed the American Blonde and it’s coolly refreshing and yet carries a signature finish that ranges between rosy and blunt. I imagine January Jones taking this role because she’s pretty, direct and just sexy enough to make you do something crazy(Speaking to you, Don Draper).
4. Sawtooth Ale
This Left Hand Brewing company product is a pinch of the nerve beer, as in you can take a quick swig but don’t think it won’t have a heavy effect on your ability to be mad or disenchanted. This beer is a get happy drug. Sawtooth ale is as good in a bottle as it is off tap, which makes it a well rounded pleasure. Its citrus aroma inducing finish is as pleasurable as its hoppy beginning. All in all, this beer is solid if not succinct. Let’s get the guy who plays Thor to settle in here, but give him a scar and a beard.
3. Nitro Milk Stout
Don’t ask me what nitro brewed means because I just might tell you. Imagine filtered water, like the kind you put in the fridge to drink that you got out of the tap yet ran it through a filter to clear all the unneeded potentially hazardous junk out of it. That’s nitro brewed, I think. Who knows, it’s late and I wouldn’t believe everything I say because I am drinking K-cup coffee and not french pressed java. Nitro is a milky stout that allows you to look tough while being smooth at the same time. Think Ivana Milicevic from Banshee. She’s smooth and beautiful but still tough as nails. Yeah, that works. This Left Hand Brewing company product is made for a person who wants to sit on a balcony in the summer time yet feel like there are glaciers around their glass of beer.
2. Heavy Lifting India Pale Ale
Hops, hops and more hops. That’s the case with this Boulevard Brewing Company product. Tasty due diligence. It’s got stature and a history that becomes familiar after the third can. Muscle bodied but carrying a sophisticated gravity to its finish so it can’t be Stallone and done here. You have to go with The Rock because he’s funny, badass, and he can sing too. Multi-dimensional.
1. Guinness Black Lager
I know what you are thinking. This isn’t necessarily a unique beer name but damn it, it’s Guinness, which needs zero fancy introductions. And if you say the name like it’s a person name, the drift hits you quicker. Mr. Guinness Black Lager. Call him Black Lager of the Guinness, hailing from Dublin’s nastiest pits. This is a year round beer but could be most appreciated on the Game of Thrones set, preferably the Night’s Watch. It’s the classic Guinness taste yet with a smoother ending. It’ll knock you on your ass, but it’ll pick you back up later. Samuel L. Jackson could kill this role by the way. A cross between Nick Fury and Jules Winfield.
That’s it. What beers did I miss? I stuck to a few brewing companies there but since this is my post, I made sure I tasted every single beer on this rack. Which beer gets you thinking, “Wow, that’s a cool name and a good tasting beer too”?
Thanks for stopping in the Buffa Lifestyles Lounge.